1) Always stretch for a minimum of twenty minutes. Even if you are all stretched out and ready to play --- stretch anyways. Doing this in front of your fellow opponent will intimidate them, leading them to believe that you are very serious about squash, not to mention well prepared, in turn giving you a competitive mental edge before you've even played one point.
2) Squash is all about alertness and quick decision making. When playing, try to imagine the game three or four, even five plays into the future. This will allow you to set up your opponent with nonreturnable, well-thought through strategical moves. There is no logical defense for the future except time-machines and we all know you can't drive a DeLaurien into a squash court, let alone the building itself (Not to mention that finding plutonium these days is next to impossible - unless you're Jeff, because apparently he doesn't think its that hard to find).
3) Do not be afraid to smash your racquet against the wall during play. The walls are there for a reason and avoiding them while running full speed and swinging wildly at a tiny rubber ball is not one of them. There's a reason why most squash clubs have a wall dedicated to mangled/warped/snapped/pieces of racquets and that the most expensive squash racquet is only ten dollars more than that of the cheapest. Also, its a lot funner to do anything without regret.
4) Hustle, hustle hustle! Even though to become a world-class squashist like Jeff takes weeks of dedication, practice and a gym membership, one can exemplify dominance with simple hard work. Lack of athletic ability, shot-making skills and an overall sound game-plan can be overshadowed by guts, determination and a willingness to dive head-first into walls.
5) After all this, if you are still losing handily to your opponent, do not fret, simply lie and say that you were letting them win so they wouldn't get frustrated and quit playing. This frazzles your opponent who was lead to believe that they were winning because they were better than you. Chances are you'll come back to win the next two sets handily and wrap up the match in a matter of minutes.
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