ME & MY RAG & MY BUCKET

I have decided, that today will be the day I take the power back. Not from the Conservative Government, Eddie Francis, society, my landlord, professors or that guy who doesn't like me at the Liquor Store. I will take the power back I often give freely to others, mostly strangers, unwillingly on their behalf, without knowing and probably without them even caring. For some reason, I have developed a problem dealing with crowds, long lines, and staring eyes. However, most of these eyes are probably peering at me from inside my own head, but that's all that matters anyhow, right? I don't know exactly when it started or if there was some sort of triggering episode like a fall on the head or some deep subconscious trauma - but it's here and real and I need it to go away if I want to take the power back. Here's the thing readers (I mean Up North, Katie, and the few stray friends who remember I have a blog and are willing to sacrifice a few minutes out of their busy days to read some nonsense). I have a sweating problem. Or is it a sweating solution? No, I don't have the solution (yet) so, it must be a problem. Sure, I could twist it around and make it seem cool to perspire (In humans, sweating is primarily a means of thermoregulation, so by definition it is sort of 'cool'), a la 'being bald' - but I won't. I won't say that because I sweat a lot I don't leave the house unless its raining, or, that I save mad money when filling up my tropical fish tank by wringing out the salt water from my clothes, socks and hats. Or that I don't shower, I just sweat and I enjoy playing slip 'n slide - on the sidewalk. No, I'm not proud to be the world's slipperiest, saltiest and stinkiest sweat ball, one who never wears grey shirts, lifts his arms up in public, sits on black leather chairs, or takes his shoes off in other people's houses, but one who always (out of necessity and fashion) sports a sweat rag, like one sports a Gucci watch or a trendy scarf in summer. I suffer from high intensity swass - in the dead of winter. It's not a coincidence that my door hinges never squeak or that I never need to buy butter or apply deodorant (because it doesn't work, anyways). I don't go in saunas, I just walk into rooms. This sweating thing seems to manifest itself out of nowhere and into something for one reason or another, at the most inopportune times. One minute I'm calm, cool and collected, the next I'm a freakin' out sweaty mess. But, you may ask, "How do you confront and deal with something that, really, doesn't even exist except through your own paranoia?" I don't fucking know, but I'm going to find out. Maybe I might have to get some therapy or be hypnotized, or my glands zapped shut by a laser - but that shit costs major moola and might not even work, not to mention it sounds a little painful and unnatural. I could always wear that one shirt I have that miraculously conceals all stains no matter how active my pores are. But then I got the forehead sweat to worry about, that endless supply of chemicals that seemimgly appear and flow out of the top of my head like a mirage and onto my face like a salt water waterfall, stinging my eyes like a jellyfish. (No, I don't wash my face in piss). I'd need to invent some sort of water proof baseball cap with a concealed interior fan and trough-like outer design that catches and releases the overflow - while not looking too noticeable and weird in public. If I could find some way to harness the sweat glands and use it to turn a profit, then I wouldn't give a shit about any of this other awkward social garbage. Because I'd be a millionaire. No, a billionaire sweat tycoon, who oozes wealth, class and odorants o and p-cresol, as well as small amounts of urea. A perspiration philanthropist I'd be, known the world over for his good looks, high class and ability to turn excess sweat into just plain excess. But what else could stimulated sweat glands be used for other than lowering the bodies temperature and creating anxiety in long lines or crowds. Super human grease? I'm sure one day soon this whole biodiesel fad will blow over and/or deplete and human grease will become the newest green product. Superbiosweat. Yes, that is how I will make my fortune. I will become the world's first individual sweat dredger, a human factory and one man supplier, who, not only jogs for good health but to produce good wealth. I don't exert myself, I merely fill orders. Me and my rag and my bucket.