Canada = Gold

As I watch the Olympics (and stall the beginning of a sure to be tough politics paper) that are happening on multiple stations in multiple biases covering multiple events (according to said biases and/or excitement of sport)- I began to think about a few things. If the Canadians are so worried about winning a gold on home turf (by the time of this post they had done so), why don't we (and the IOC and those in real control) just create new winter Olympic events that should all but guarantee the sought after hardware Canada craves (at least on tv) - while surely at a fraction of the cost of the 120 million dollar Own the Podium program. Now, curling is a good start (and women's hockey it seems) but we need more if we're to compete with the powerhouses of the world - not in terms of sportsmanship, politeness and dry humour, but in contention, intimidation and overall medal count. Though most of our country is covered with snow at some point of the year (except Vancouver, and shouldn't it be called the Whistler Olympics?) and, like the stereotype, most of our land is cold - we are not the clear-cut favourites in the Winter Olympics. I understand the smaller population (even though Canada, as this year' host country has some 200 plus participants)than say a U.S or China or 35 other countries in the world) and how many people actually call the 'real' northern Canada home?(I didn't notice too many Eskimos strolling into B.C. place, though there were plenty of Indians dancing around for quite a while and with a lot of enthusiasm - were those actors?), and many of these other poorer European countries literally live and die in cold and ice, so - let's level the playing field a bit and introduce some events whose Canuck-edge transends even home-field advantage. (Sorry Montenegro, Bermuda and Tajikistan, but these new 'Canadian' events may not help hoist your lone competitor to a podium, but keep coming out anyways). How about some brainstorming first. Hmmm, what is Canadian? I mean, what sort of traits or quirks (stereotypes included, for they had to have originated from some where, right?) do we as a people posses that should be incorporated into the new events? Beer. Whiskey. Cheaply made and sold outside of Indian reservation cigarettes. Hockey - I mean real hockey with fighting, hooking, stitches, ties, a smaller ice surface and fanatical hockey fans. And fanatical hockey Dads (and Mom's, I'm sure) The dry, almost not-funny humour thing. Flannel, toques and beards. A confusing political system with too many parties portraying an illusionary democracy in some House on a hill in Ottawa. Grey, dirty and smokey skylines. Being a second-fiddle, heavily-influenced yet inferior border country with a beaver, big nickel and a leaf as its mascots. FYI - A beaver is a damn wood eatin' rodent, Sudbury is no longer a mining town and a leaf is a leaf. It falls off a tree and dies. However, at least we don't have Al Michaels, Bob Costas, bad teeth, communism (but, is it worse?) a suffocating population, non-universal health-care, completely depleted resources, gun control issues (outside of T.O), civil wars, genocides and nukes (or do we?) Event # 1 - The competitor, while on skates and getting strip searched by a customs agent, will attempt to get drunk as fast as possible off beer or whiskey while watching Hockey Night in Canada with their friends. 50 % of the score goes towards level of intoxication and belligerence. 25 % to your skating ability and 25 % if a Canadian hockey team wins or 12.5 if they go to over-time. The hassle at the border is just a nuisance and your friends are there to mix your drinks. Event # 2 - While canoeing drunk on a lake, the first person to make their rival laugh mockingly (a la House of Commons) with a toque/beaver/or beer related joke wins. And gets to speak loudly and obnoxiously over those from across the room. Event # 3 - A Canadian-content only trivia contest, hosted by Alex Trebek and held around a blazing camp fire in the woods - while drinking. Event # 4 - An all-out, hands-on, females-included yellow snow competition. 25% for creativity, 25 % for hue of yellow, and 50 % for longest duration of participation. Extra marks gained for most Canadian content peed (eg. Captain Harry Colebourn's pet black bear Winnie, a beaver or a leaf) and if you have a beard and/or hairy legs. Event # 5 - While mining, fishing, logging, snow-shoeing, camping, or whistling the Hockey Night in Canada theme song, the competitor must complain about the government, but do nothing about it - except get more drunk, watch more hockey and consume more American and Japanese made products. Whoever complains and gets most drunk - wins the gold. If we implement these new events - along with a few others: ie., Extreme and Naked Beer Pong, Name that Original 6 Team, First to Separate Wins (or loses?), we'll be well on our way to fortifying our Olympic domination - or as laughing stock of the world, which, after that opening ceremony thing (some parts were okay) that reeked of incompetent, nice yet aloof Canadian ways and shoddy technology - we may already be. But that's okay, because this is Canada and we are nice people with much land.