LIONS, TIGERS, AND RUSSIANS - OH MY!

As I type this out, the US just shut out the Swiss and Carmen on Channel 4 just alerted me that one of Sea World's most experienced and veteran trainers - just got killed by a whale. Really? Do things like that ever come as a surprise to anyone who is not insane or oblivious to the way things work? When the burly, 'one with nature' and kaki-ed Aussie with a beard gets his face ripped off by his 500 pound pet BEAR - how shocking is that, really? Especially that it happened while Mr. Burly Man was SLEEPING in the same bed at night with his furry little buddy - who is know his murderer and only surviving family member. Weird, disturbing, gruesome and TOTALLY AVOIDABLE! He is as close to nature now as one can be - dead and in it's stomach. But, who can forget about Mrs. Naive and Dumb Television Reporter, the same one who, during a live broadcast enjoys petting an even more alive and aggressive and large and dangerous lion. That's right a ferocious and un-caged LIVE LION - on set, under the lights, feeling the pressure of live TV and, really, really pissed. The 'interview' would have been fine and dandy if the live lion had not been hungry, agitated by the reporter's perfume and condescending tone, or if it had not been a LIVE LION. Tip # 248 in my "If you want to stay alive," series - Do not sleep with bears, interview lions, dance with snakes (unless you are a middle Eastern toddler), water ski with sharks, play piano with elephants, try out your stand-up routine on a pack of hyenas, race tigers or cheetahs, paint with leopards or giraffes, perform exorcisms on Tasmanian devils, and definitely, most importantly, never should you ever try to engage in 'civilized' people and person strict activities with 'wild' undomesticated and very 'real' live animals - you know, the ones with fangs, claws, huge mass, and an insatiable and natural appetite for blood. If you want to stay alive that is. But, if it's excitement, screaming and yelling, rough and tumble action you're looking for - turn on your TV, around 7:30, to the channel showing the game. The Hockey Game. Yes, we're back to hockey. Earlier today, like I mentioned before, the US narrowly beat Jonas Hiller and the Swiss, in an exciting 2-0 nail-biter to go to the Final Four of the Olympics. A position Canada can get itself into if they come up with a big quarter-final win vs. Alex 'The Jagr Killer' and the rest of his soviet buds. Hockey has to be the most intense sport of the games, quite simply because the format encourages equal opportunity - One solid game, one exceptional goat-tender, one timely goal - and you're in. With the present format, an underdog like the Swiss can sneak into a medal game (though they didn't) - allowing for much intrigue and the mear length of the tournament guarantees even more drama and exciting action. I expect all this and more in tonight's Canada-Russia game - I just hope the outcome is favourable. GO CANADA!