HELLO? ANYBODY THERE? IT'S ME...

I think I'm just going to shut her down for a while. Another female allegorical metaphorical thing I understand, but what are you gonna do these days? I mean her as in the cell phone. Or the portable and lightweight but always hungry and aggressive debt monster, as I like to call her. Just kidding. A phone is definitely an 'it' sent from the depths of hells hottest collections agency. Not a splendid sky or waning moon like she sometimes is. Anyhow, my (and Katie's) plans are to leave the country and head far east (ethnocentrically speaking) in a few more months so, do I really need to be attached by the pocket to the rest of civilization (really only like 5 people) for my remaining time here in North America? No, is the answer to the question I just asked myself. Instead of calling, Ryan can just step over the two and a half foot railing and walk right in. Katie can pull up and knock.. I'll be home. Jeff already just shows up and walks in. Shoot me a message via the Internet if you so desire - it's free (with an already paid for connection) and I always check her - my hotmail that is, just don't try and call me. What important messages will I miss anyways? RBC's finest heckler, seducing me with another unneeded yet seemingly ultra-necessary bullshit insurance/coverage or made up on-line banking feature I definitely don't need? No thanks. If you're talking too fast and smoothly - I will never listen to you. And if you're from India, I will barely be able to understand you. And if your calling from a 1-8 anything number I will usually not pick up until you call so many times I am forced to out of exasperation. Will I really miss the unsolicited by me solicitors with too much time on their hands and not enough numbers other than my own? Yeah, maybe we'll stay in touch. Rogers won't be calling me every hour, on the freakin' hour with their bulletin news update, and annoying as hell, barely audible and even less understandable warnings to pay my two week late bill. I understand completely that you're trying to pay your own bills and if I dislike you this much, I can only imagine how much you dislike yourself but...don't you want me to be late with my payment, so as to up the interest rates and therefore end up paying way more than if I had paid on time? I always pay eventually, in full and I know you have a job to do Mr. or Mrs. or Miss Foreign Phone Solicitor, but in the words of a Keyshawn Johnson or Mike Ditka - 'C'mom Man!' Nobody ever calls me to thank me for paying on time and in full or to help me with possibly lowering my already outrageously high cell phone bill. Nope, I always seem to miss those calls. Maybe they get dropped. For some reason, our rates and charges and BS levels in this area of ultra-low employment rates and even lower moral - are some of the highest in the world. It doesn't surprise me. Nothing does anymore. My former high school's former priest charged with molestation in Haiti? Nope. I could tell way back then that he was odd and a bit too 'cool' for school. A double murder in Leamington? Not at all. Well that did kind of shock me a bit. On Bennie no less. Detroit's mayor was a money stealing, text sexing degenerate cheat? The dude looked, spoke and acted like a Devil Disciple from the Black Mafia Family, while his family was spending the city's money on booze, drugs and strippers. Windsor collapsing into the River after yet another tired and failed attempt to dig itself out of it's recessive hole? I can't get out of this city quick enough. Who the hell do I even call anyways? Katie? My Mom. The Ice Park to check for pick-up hockey times? I never make long-distance calls and the people I call the most live in the same building as me or are on my 'Fav Five,' which probably costs more per minute than all my other 'Non Five' calls combined. WTF CPW? (cell phone world) Sure, go ahead and record our conversation, I'm sure it will help you make more people's lives miserable in the future. Do you want to know what you should change for 'quality' purposes? How about the 'quality' of my life that is lacking severely economically (partly b/c I'm jobless) because of my obscenely over-priced cell phone bills. I know what you're probably thinking - "Nobody forced you to get yourself into a contractual agreement with a money hungry tele-communications corporation." True. Unless you study the situation using your 'sociological imagination,' that is. Plus, that year or months or whatever she was, when I was phone, friend and job-less on Janette - were some of the loneliest and most boring days of my life. Just check out the lyrics to "Stop on By," (www.myspace.com/threatlevelmidnightx) - and you'll more clearly understand. Anyways, I should be able to get by without a phone, I did it for quite a while over there on Janette - but I didn't really have many visitors or fun since my friends lived in Kingsville, had to email me to make contact, and walking to a pay phone in the winter time hoping that who you're calling will pick up is a bit risky, time consuming and cold. Not to mention, Janette isn't a street you just want to pull up to a house on in the middle of the night unless you know that person is home - and expecting you. I could get back into using smoke signals and the Morse code, but I wasn't really into those to begin with. And tin cans and string aren't as reliable as they sound.