CANADA VS. USA

As Katie and I sipped on coffees and sweet-less iced teas respectively, while cruising along slowly down Tecumseh, heading due West towards Campbell - we were listening to, rather grimacing as 97.1 The Ticket's Pat Caputo grumbled into his mic, complaining about, "Hockey Canada's Elitist Attitude." I know, funny, eh? Now, I usually don't mind the Detroit sports talk radio hosts because they usually know more than me, and I understand they have a tough job to do - creating a viable forum for debate regardless of their opinion, keeping the listeners interested even on a slow sports day, and allowing any yahoo to come on-air and challenge them both professionally and personally - but I can't stand it when those in supposed positions of authority, especially those in the public's ear chirp off about issues they don't understand, or even want to understand. Because that idiot from Sandusky is going to believe you. Or that moron in Mount Clemons. Caputo is a Lions and Tiger guy, he doesn't even cover the Wings! I don't pretend to know or care about college football, the economy, International Relations, Taiwanese Hakka mountain songs known as Shan'ge music, croqueting, the art of skiing the moguls, the difference between and the positives for and against fuel-injected or carburation, how the Internet works, how my body works, or why so many privileged Hollywood stars are so darn miserable. Do I? These are things I don't know about, so I'm not going to talk about them like I do. Period. Mr. Caputo was ripping into how important hockey is to Canada (yes, it is), and how superior we think we are as a country in comparison to others (yes, we are) - in hockey that is. In not much else and not as much as we used to be, but we still have the most players (52.3%) in the NHL, and definitely the best. The U.S. is next (total wise) with 22 percent. He also said that the Canadians are taking the upcoming game vs. the U.S. today very personally, pursuing it as if it were some sort of symbolic victory against the hated Americans on a more personal level than just Olympic hockey competition. We sure are. But, we're not the only ones who hate you, Mr. Caputo. Every other country that ever plays against, is in war with, or has relations of any sort with the U.S. wants to win, destroy and embarrass the all-hated and powerful monster that is you. That's just the way it is. He also went on to say, as an unsupported jab I think, that the best player in the world isn't even from Canada, so we have no right to think so highly of ourselves in terms of hockey greatness. He claims Alexander Ovechkin is better than Sidney Crosby. Does he also think that Borje Salming was better than Wayne Gretzky or that Mr. Hockey had no more skill than Mr. Zero, Frank Brimsek? We will delve into the Sid vs. Alex one in a bit. However, he ended his little tirade saying that Canada should destroy the American team tonight (covering up for himself if the U.S. loses), but that if they didn't there would be some serious belly-aching and backlash from his hockey crazy northern neighbours (allowing him an 'in' if they win). So, let's get this straight. He hates that we are so passionate about something we claim to be Canadian and that is. He hates that we hate Americans as do everyone else. And he hates Sidney Crosby though he is the best player in hockey. First off, is it such a crime to be passionate about something - about a sport born on the snow and ice of Eastern Canada and Montreal - and one that many of our 30 million plus hockey crazy citizens enjoy and play on a regular basis? (I wish I had the stats, but I'm going with my gut on this one) Similar to the U.S's obsession with guns and power, political corruptness, sex scandals, disasters, racial divides, crack and ice problems, ignorance towards other countries especially their own and obesity. How many people in the States play or even know what hockey is? Let's ask that guy in Nashville who doesn't go to Predators games and thinks a power play is a new size option at McDonald's or a Penalty Kill the latest Nick Cage movie. "Hockey? You mean that stupid game Canadians and Europeans play on ice with that stick and those skates, chasing a rubber thingy around a net with the red laser shooting out of it." Yeah, an American can't even follow the puck on television, let alone understand or enjoy what is happening in any aspect of the game. I understand why Petty pitted. Because he needed new tires and gas. I know why Kobe didn't get called for travelling. Because he gets superstar treatment. And you don't have to explain to me why you love to bring down a Tiger Woods but can't wait til he comes back. In hockey there are no end zone dances, extravagant half-time shows, explosions, flamboyant and disrespectful felons, I mean players, or half-nude cheerleaders (though a few American teams have pathetically and without success tried the cheerleader gimmick) - so I can see why no one would care. Instead of all the ritz and glitz we we have face-offs, black-eyes, fourth line checkers, broken glass, Europeans, and zambonis. Our most famous players are some kid from Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia and a toothless clown from Russia - who happens to be the closest thing the NHL has to a prima donna, and he seems like a pretty nice guy - with one hell of a shot. The NBA has desperate housewife Eva Longoria and a trashy Kardashian while the NHL has girls next door Elisha Cuthbert and Carrie Underwood. Edmonton has a last placed team that sells out and L.A has a first place team nobody watches. Nobody except Martin Short and Kiefer Sutherland. There is no hockey tradition in America (outside of Minnesota or Boston), just like we could care less about Nascar, guns, dog fighting and Republicans. But that's okay. Some people, because of where they live or how they were raised are just not meant to understand and like things. Geographically, sociologically, and all that. Even some Canadians (gasp!) don't understand and or/like hockey. Probably because their parents didn't understand and or/like hockey. Or they immigrated from another country and have never even seen snow, let alone a back check or a one-timer. Even though I've played pick-up hockey with at least two different Asian guys, some Arabs, a whole bunch of Italians and everyone in between. Just give the cultural mosaic time to melt the pot. Huh? I don't know too many people who play full-contact and uniform, real, bust your teeth out tackle football. (Though in shinny, I knocked some guys screw out of his helmet, bruised my ribs three times, took a puck off the face and got a mean ass blister). We don't play football, drive cars in circles or fight dogs - because it's not as important to us here. (aside from football in the Prairies, but what else are they supposed to do?) It's understandable, anything is. But in the States? It seems if something is not in the States now, it will be soon. They take everything they want to from everyone, so why wouldn't they want one of the strongest and most enduring source of our nation's identity? Despite the no-snow thing (hockey doesn't belong down there anyhow) you would think that in a country obsessed with violence (though their funny 'PCing of everything is well, funny?), sex, drive-by's and the rawness of human life - you would think they would enjoy the near to the edge-ness, psycho-smash-mouth-hustle of pro hockey. Or a brutal open-ice hit, bench clearing brawl or knock-out punch/elbow/or knee on knee - all of which is legal (somehow) on the ice - though you might get a two minute penalty in the 'sin bin.' (American play-by-play talk) Besides the obvious players vs. players altercations, hockey has the fan vs. player, coach vs. coach, coach vs. player, ref vs. everyone, ice vs. head, player vs. trainer and the always coveted and urged goalie vs. goalie. Everything you Americans love about sports: Adversity, pain, excitement, violence, in-your-faceness, underdogs, speed, human error, simple rules (most goals wins, we'll teach you about 'offsides' another day) and tradition - is a part of our game - hockey. Maybe that's what it is. What I've been saying the whole time. Tradition. Or lack thereof in America is why they don't get it. Ignorance is bliss - just keep your mouth shut.

Why Sidney Crosby is better than Alexander Ovechkin:

Sidney Crosby, Age 22, 5th year in NHL
Age Named Captain - 19
Pts. Per Game - 1.4
Stanley Cup Appearances - 2
Stanley Cup Wins - 1

Alexander Ovechkin, 24, 5th year in NHL
Age Named Captain - 24
Pts. Per Game - 1.3
Stanley Cup Appearances - 0
Stanley Cup Wins - 0

Crosby is not only more offensive than the ultra-offensive Ovechkin, but he is a centerman who often plays against the other teams top line - which is why his plus minus isn't as high as Ovechkin's. Ovechkin is a one-way player who often puts himself out of position when going for the big hit and takes long shifts that hurt his team. Ovechkin has also had the luxury of playing with highly skilled players like Alexander Semin and Nicklas Backstrom. Crosby rarely plays with sniper Evgeni Malkin and is often paired with thirty nine year old grinder Bill Guerin.