WHO IS EQUIPPED WITH THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT?

Big debate on Campbell the other day. Me vs. Katie. Men vs. Women. Right vs. Wrong. The Internet vs. The Internet. Brain vs. Heart. Just kidding, but I think I'm right. The argument in question: Are men, on average, better at 'sports' than women? Better meaning, and not relatively speaking, on average, physically, mentally, emotionally - the whole bit, on average. Straight up, who would win a sporting event between the average Joe and the average Josephine, knowing what is known about female/male physiology, psychology, biology - the whole bit, on average. I know, a touchy gender-related issue once again, but one that has to be addressed if we're to move on in a positive direction as a society. Not really, but... SPORT - commonly defined as an organized, competitive, and skillful physical activity requiring commitment and fair play. It is governed by a set of rules or customs. Thanks Wikipedia. I don't know what I'd do without you. Oh yeah, I'd have to go to the library or buy a newspaper or something like that to find my irrelevant info. Whatever it was we did prior to the Net. Watch more TV? Ask my parents? Anyways, I don't consider myself a feminist (are men even allowed in?) on any level or wave or whatever - I'm not even a malenist. I'm just a guy without political ties nor ambitions, or anything against anyone (except stupid and mean people) who happens to have a few semi-strong opinions based on what I've seen, heard, read, experienced and conjured up during my so called life. I wonder if Clair Danes is a feminist. Or even still in showbiz. Okay. So. Let's go down the list of different sports and see who's better and why I think this is so. I am honestly going to be as objective and open-minded as possible here. Remember, I'm no malenist (or am I its only member?), however, it's my blog and I'll write what I please. Also, if women do not, on average play a particular sport mentioned below (eg. football, baseball (not softball), or vice versa they (men or women) will not be immediately disregarded from the conversation, as we live in an equal society - and everyone deserves a chance to play. Even if those in question have no desire or intention ever to do so. Everyone has a choice. Let us begin.

Soccer (or football everywhere else) - Endurance, strong legs and the ability to fall to the ground in agony at the slightest touch are needed to succeed in this fast-paced sport. Sure, a woman is capable of running around a field all day in a pair of cleats, kicking a ball back and forth, but do they have the convincing dramatic and sneaky conniving abilities to draw a penalty like a flip-flopping European midfielder? Yes, they do. And soccer is famously the most popular (and easiest/cheapest to play) game in the world, so women are definitely getting equal opportunity to learn. However, my Mom broke her foot while kicking a semi-deflated beach ball in the backyard, so you never know. Winner - Tie.

Wheel Chair Basketball - This sport requires very strong arms, coordination and some serious balls. Women are, on average, missing two of those criterion's. Winner - Men.

Football - I haven't heard of too many 350 pound women who can run a four second forty. One word: Cheerleaders. Two words: Lingerie Bowl. Three words: Male Chauvinistic Pig. Winner - Men.

Roller Hockey - Men look funny on roller skates and would rather be on roller blades or real ice hockey skates, (In my opinion) or at a roller-rink during the seventies trying to pick up girls in cords sporting a stash. Every cheesy roller hockey movie I've ever seen involved women in pigtails. Wearing colourful tights. Roughing each other up. Winner - Women.

Ice Hockey - Speed, skill, stick-handling, skating and shooting are all key qualities of a stellar hockey player. Checking too, in most leagues. Since strength determines how hard your check and shot is and how fast you'll skate, women draw the short end of the stick here yet again. Check out the Olympics to understand the discrepancy in skill. No offense, just watch. Winner - Men and Megan Agosta.

Handball - Isn't this the sport being played in mobster movies, during the scene when the younger upstart wannabe thug is talking up the older, wiser gangster about who he needs to kill or rob to get into the family? Winner - Al Pacino or Bob De Niro.

Rugby - These guys are even crazier than football players, have less teeth and who knows what goes on at the bottom of those scrums. Women should want not be good at this sport. Winner - Hooligans.

Tennis - Since a powerful serve and shot are key, but can be overcome by quickness, agility and perseverance - this could also go either way. Winner - Tie. Unless Serena's playing and then she'd just beat up her opponent and threaten to kill them.

Beach Soccer - Similar to regular soccer in rules and concept, except it's usually played barefoot, on sand and with a beer in hand. Winner - whoever is closest to the cooler.

Beach Volley–Ball - You need to be tall, quick on your feet, smart and strong. On average, men are taller, stronger and can jump higher than women. (See below) Perhaps women are as smart as men with just as quick of reflexes, but in beach volleyball as opposed to normal volleyball, there are only two players per team - so both competitors have to be well-rounded in every aspect of the game. Winner - Men.

Arena Football - Similar to regular football except it's played in a dome, on a smaller field and features inferior players to that of the NFL and CFL. They are still crazy though and big. And fast. And would squash the average women. Winner - Men.

Motor sports - In all reality, although the word is in the name - should motor sports really be considered a type of sport? I guess there are rules, sweat, grease, laps and winners, so... On average, women are universally considered bad drivers, but in reality they have just as good a chance as men to be good drivers. Winner - Tie.

Motorcycling - See motor sports.

Cycling - Men, on average have bigger, stronger legs and a greater lung capacity (25 % more, on average) than their female counterparts because they are larger specimens, in general. However, women might have the mental toughness it take to get past the wall and will their way to a gutsy victory. Winner - Not Lance Armstrong.

Poker - Even though it has rules, involves tapping, folding and stacking chips, and is shown on sports networks - poker is not a sport. Winners - The Casinos. Losers - Fat people with a gambling problem, no jobs and/or lives.

Pool - See poker. Or go the arcade and play both. Winner - An Asian women with a leather glove and a pocket full of change.

Running - Endurance, stamina, strong legs and mental toughness. Depending on whether or not it's a sprint or longer race - anyone can run. However, men can run faster and for longer periods of time - faster. See below. Winner - Men.

Table Tennis (or Ping Pong)- Quickness, hand-eye co-ordination, cat-like reflexes, and killer timing are all key components to this Asian-favouring sport (In my opinion). Since superior strength is not needed to smack the little plastic ball with the little wooden paddle, hard across the little green table it's fair game for both genders. Although, a taller person would have a better angle when smashing the little white ball back into your face. Winner - Tie.

Fencing - Since the combatants don't actually try to kill each other, (it's more like a poking motion)and they wear full protective face masks and body armour - it's a duel to the finish. Winner - Tie.

Swimming - Broad shoulders, strong legs for kicking and sound breathing techniques are a must. As is a large lung capacity and the ability to withstand high amounts of chlorine intake. Winner - Michael Phelps.

Triathlon - See swimming, cycling and running.

Rowing - Strong shoulders, lung capacity and the ability to stay seated for long periods of time. Winner - Men.

Boxing - Power, foot work, endurance and the ability to take punches straight to the face without falling down or getting knocked out. I've never seen Laila Ali bite an opponents ear off. Winner - Men, because they are naturally more violent and aggressive (In my opinion).

Weight Lifting - See below. Winner - Men.

Judo/Kickboxing/Taekwondo/Karate/Any Martial Arts - Flexibility, balance and power are all needed, no matter what colour belt you wear. A good student will show superior calmness, a spiritual side and sneaky tendencies. Since a kick to the nuts is acceptable and the smaller and quicker you are the better...Winner - Women and Ninjas

Snowboarding - Patience, leg strength, good balance and a love for snow, ice, half-pipes, ollies, fakies and McTwists. Women have just as good a chance to be good at snowboarding except no one can get as much air as Shaun White. Winner - The Flying Tomatoe's Personal Red-Bull Funded Half-pipe in Colorado.

Power Boating - Again, is this a sport? Perhaps those super fast and easily disintegratable boats (hydroplaning) that glide across the river at ridiculous speeds are involved in some sort of sport - but a leisurely tour on the lake pulling your kids by a rope and a tube does not qualify. Winner - Tie.

Jet Skiing/Water skiing/any water and boat sport - See power boating.

Water Polo - Strong shoulders, arms and legs are a must for this aquatic version of hockey hand-ball. The ability to stay underwater for large amounts of time are also an asset. Sorry girls, but any sport requiring more strength, larger lung capacity and overall toughness has to be favourable for men. Winner - Men.

Basketball - Running, jumping, shooting and passing. Good court vision, hand-eye co-ordination and reflexes are needed to succeed in this grueling cardio-heavy sport. Take a look at the difference in attendance between WNBA and the real NBA to understand. See avg. heights below. Winner - Men.

Volley-Ball - Different than beach volleyball in that it is not played on sand. And there are six players as opposed to two. Power, jumping ability, height and hand eye coordination are needed to spike, dig, bump, volley and block properly. However, the soft touch of a woman and quick feet could make her the ideal setter. Winner - Men.

Figure Skating - Good skating ability, strong legs, grace, poise and flexibility. In the pairs competition it is a tie, but overall, a woman is most likely to flourish as a figure skater. However, only a handful of women have even attempted a quadruple (toe loop, salchow, axel)jump in competition, whereas men perform them regularly. Winner - Tie.

Bowling - Balance, good eye sight, arm, leg and wrist strength, and funny-looking bowling shoes. Though the ball is heavy, they come in different sizes and weight, so it should be equal. Winner - Tie.

Body Boarding - See surfing (below)

Gymnastics - Depending on the event (eg. rings, balance beam, uneven bars) entire body strength and conditioning are very key to success. However, the more popular events (eg. the pommel horse, floor exercise) flexibility, grace, co-ordination and poise are the most sought after qualities. The best gymnasts seem to be the smallest and women on avg. are smaller than men. Winner - Mary Lou Retton.

Equestrian Sports - Balance, small stature, a tight grip and a love of animals. Winner - Women and Jockeys.

Baseball - This game has a lot of rules. Good ball players have excellent hand-eye coordination, a strong arm (Johnny Damon excluded), good reflexes and adaptable team-work skills. Being able to endure a long, boring season is also a must. Women just aren't, on average, as willing to play or sit through a three and a half hour pitchers duel. Winner - Men.

Softball - Softball. The real softball played mostly by women, where the pitcher hurls the ball underhand at speeds upwards of seventy miles per hour. Beer leagues and the batting cages behind Charlies don't count, so women win. Winner - Jennie Finch.

Surfing - Some gnarly balance, agility, flexibility and some major kahunas are a must if you're to hang some serious ten. To catch the perfect wave, you must be willing to sacrifice your body if and when you crash hard and head first on some coral reef or get attacked by a shark. Winners - Keanu Reeves, Kelly Slater and that girl surfer who got her arm torn off by a fifteen foot Tiger Shark off the coast of Kauai, Hawaii.

The "See Belows." (These are the best of the best, but relatively speaking...)

Fastest 100 meter time ever recorded by a man - 9.58 s (Bolt)
Fastest 100 meter time ever recorded by a woman - 10.49 s (Joyner)

Avg. vertical jump by a man - 22.1 inches (according to jumpshigher.com)
Avg. vertical jump by a woman - 14.1 inches (according to jumpshigher.com)

Most weight ever dead-lifted by a man - 581 pounds. (Hossein Reza Zadeh, Clean & Jerk)
Most weight ever dead-lifted by a woman - 412 pounds. (Jang Miran, Clean & Jerk)

Fastest Boston Marathon time ever recorded by a man - 2:07:14 (Robert K. Cheruiyot, Kenya)
Fastest Boston Marathon time ever recorded by a woman - 2:20:43 (Margaret Okayo, Kenya)

Fastest Boston Marathon time ever recorded in men's wheelchair - 1:18:27 (Ernst Van Dyk, South Africa)
Fastest Boston Marathon time ever recorded in women's wheelchair - 1:34:22 (Jean Driscoll, United States)

Fastest Pitch ever recorded by a man - 104.8 mph (Joel Zumya, Detroit Tigers)
Fastest Pitch ever recorded by a woman - 84 mph (Ila Borders, who played in the independent Northern League in the late 90's)

Avg. height of a man in N.A - 5 feet 9.1 inches
Avg. height of a woman in N.A. - 5 feet 3.8 inches

Avg. weight of a man in N.A - 180 pounds
Avg. weight of a woman in N.A - 152 pounds

Furthest long jump recorded by a man - 8.95 m
Furthest long jump recorded by a woman - 7.52 m

* I'm sure there are some 'sports' I missed (is dancing or dodge ball a sport?) Is being a ballerina a sport? Because if it is then women get my vote for that one. Even if a man's execution of his entrechats and pirouetting are flawlessly right - he just doesn't look right doing it. The tights are too tight, the moves too unnatural and the way it makes me feel is definitely not cool. Anyways, also, I know I didn't touch on all the female/male comparisons and records but even I, a man with no job, vehicle or phone - have only so little time. Maybe, I just wasted a day and a half of my life having produced nothing more than a blob of sexist and idiotic time warp mumbo jumbo. Or maybe I just made the world a little safer.